Standing alone in a Swedish laundromat, Alfie Whiteman set a 10-second timer on his digital camera and contemplated what to do subsequent.
For a lot of his life as an expert soccer participant, there was all the time somebody to make selections for him – what to eat, the place to go and what to put on. Now, alone in unfamiliar environment, it was left to him to resolve because the timer counted down.
With the strain on, Whiteman opted for probably the most random factor he might consider. So he took his garments off and climbed half manner right into a washer, ready for the digital camera to click on.
But what appeared on the time as an act of complete randomness really spoke to a wider sense of launch for a 20-something who had grown bored with his gilded cage.
The ensuing picture ignited a inventive spark in Whiteman and marked the start of a journey that will in the end lead him to desert his personal childhood dream on the age of 26.
The picture has since fashioned a part of a portfolio that’s now being displayed in a brand new London exhibition – a physique of labor named “Loan,” which speaks to the mundanity Whiteman felt residing the life as an expert athlete.
To perceive Whiteman’s story, one should first return to his childhood rising up within the shadow of White Hart Lane – the previous stadium of English Premier League aspect Tottenham Hotspur.
Like so many youngsters his age, Whiteman was obsessive about the “Beautiful Game,” and it turned out he was excellent at it. He joined Tottenham as a nine-year-old and progressed via the ranks as among the best goalkeepers in his age within the nation.
He finally turned skilled, plying his commerce as a backup goalkeeper for the Tottenham first group, barely enjoying matches however coaching day-after-day with a few of the greatest soccer stars on the planet.
But even whereas residing out his personal boyhood dream, Whiteman was having a “constant identity crisis” the place he by no means actually felt like a soccer participant.
Whiteman acknowledges he all the time was a bit completely different than his teammates. When others splashed money on costly automobiles, Whiteman would both stroll from his close by dwelling or get public transport to matches.
Because he was by no means enjoying video games, he was capable of reside life with relative anonymity.
He additionally listened to completely different music, influenced by his father’s curiosity in jazz. He watched arthouse movies and remembers being uncovered to the world of artwork by his dad and mom as a toddler. But after excelling in soccer, these pursuits went unexplored.
Back then, the game wasn’t welcoming of different hobbies or something that may very well be seen as a so-called distraction.
Whiteman laughs as he remembers teammates and coaches calling him a “hippie” for liking what he favored. In the early days, although, these attitudes brought on him to considerably suppress that aspect of his character.
It left him with an uncomfortable feeling that he harbored in his late teenagers, unable to shrug off the gnawing ideas that there was extra to life than soccer.
“I put myself in this prison,” Whiteman advised NCS Sports from a espresso store near his new London studio.
“I felt like I was missing out. I didn’t have any friends at this point, you know, I hadn’t found my people.”
Things, although, started to vary throughout a mortgage spell away from Spurs – a short lived switch to a different membership.
It was a transfer born out of frustration, with alternatives in Tottenham’s first group trying slim. So, in search of a change, he jumped on the likelihood to signal for Swedish membership Degerfors IF in 2021. The transfer took him out of his consolation zone and allowed him to lastly play frequently in a league unfamiliar to him.
And whereas it was a transfer he loved, he nonetheless couldn’t shift the sensation of eager for a unique life.
After an preliminary six-month spell, Whiteman returned to London, however issues turned much more unsettled. A brand new supervisor at Tottenham had made any development on the membership really feel tougher, and a relationship break-up, mixed with the post-Covid world, amplified his emotions of discontent.
Looking for an escape, Whiteman went again to play in Sweden, this time for a full 12 months with Degerfors.
“I’ve got a year where I’m going to, you know, find myself, all those clichés,” he laughed, remembering his thought course of on the time.
“I was trying to simplify my life, away from my city life, and also just sort of being a bit unhappy and trying to figure it out.”
During his first stint in Scandinavia, Whiteman had spent a while in a small, rented log cabin within the woods. His hideaway didn’t have the posh many soccer gamers could be drawn to, however it was distant sufficient to permit Whiteman the house wanted to ponder all features of his life. During his second spell, it was a refuge he used much more.
The cabin life stripped every part again for Whiteman. He spent hours alone with no distractions, with simply books to learn, podcasts to be taught from and music to take heed to. But these acquainted worries round his identification saved disturbing his peace.
Many a night was spent alone on the close by lake, the place he would eat his dinner in silence whereas watching the sundown from the dock.
It was at the moment that Whiteman was additionally establishing himself in new circles, creating networks within the inventive worlds of artwork, style and movie. If something, these relationships made the hours he spent enjoying soccer really feel much more like a waste of time.
“One day, I was sitting on the jetty, and it was going to start raining, like really stormy,” he mentioned, remembering a time in Sweden the place he felt significantly alone.
“The waves have been crashing and I used to be like ‘Oh my god, this is so sad. This would be such a sad photograph.’
“So the subsequent time I went, I simply purchased my tripod and took a self-portrait. I then went into my condominium, to the laundry room, and took these weird-ass portraits. It was simply me. I had no concept what to do.
“In all the time of me being there, I ended up taking over 600 self-portraits. It essentially became this means of making something. I had no plans on showing this to anyone because it was almost like a photo diary for myself.”
Only now, trying again at these photographs, can Whiteman make sense of how he was feeling on the time. They have been the primary steps of him determining his new life, snapshots of what he referred to as “youthful dissatisfaction.”
After his mortgage spell ended, Whiteman returned to London to proceed coaching with Tottenham. Still unable to interrupt into the primary group lineup, the sensation of stagnation continued to brew. His life within the sport, he felt, was beginning to maintain him again from what he actually wished to do.
In 2023, although, he signed a two-year extension to his contract, discovering it exhausting to surrender a cushty life that others would dream of – that he dreamed of as soon as upon a time.
Then, throughout a preseason tour later that 12 months through which Whiteman had impressed, he suffered a critical harm which dominated him out for months. The ensuing break day the grass allowed him to look again at these photographs he took in Sweden, a portfolio that impressed the chums he confirmed.
By the time he was wholesome sufficient to play once more, Whiteman was feeling totally motivated to be himself. He not cared what the soccer world would say about his different pursuits and delved into appearing and music.
There was nonetheless a nagging insecurity, this time that doorways have been solely opening due to his affiliation with Tottenham, however the ball had began rolling and momentum was selecting up.
It’s why, in 2025, the goalkeeper lastly determined to make the leap and retire from the game at 26, declining a transfer to a different English membership on the final minute and finally embarking on his new life as a director and photographer for Somesuch.
During his 17-year spell at Tottenham, he had made only one senior look however completed his profession with a European medal, being a part of the squad that gained the Europa League final season.
“Life’s too short, but it was a f**king scary decision,” he mentioned, reflecting on his retirement from the sport. “I’ve got bills to pay and I was stepping into a real unknown.”
Whiteman mentioned the final months since stepping away from soccer have been the very best of his life. While admitting he now appears to be like to economize wherever he can, he’s having fun with having complete energy to do no matter he desires and is relishing the prospect to fulfill like-minded folks.
With the assistance of remedy, he’s additionally reframed his earlier profession. Instead of seeing these adolescence as a waste, he now appears to be like in any respect the “collateral beauty” it introduced him.
“It gave me so much and I’m so lucky and fortunate,” he mentioned, talking about his life as an elite athlete. “How I am today is all shaped by those experiences.”
Since asserting his new exhibition, Tottenham has helped put it up for sale, with the gallery located subsequent to the group’s stadium. Along with the self-portraits, Whiteman may also show diary entries and an essay he wrote explaining his journey.
It’s one thing he hopes would be the begin of many extra inventive endeavors to return.
“That feeling of stagnation I had has just been released,” he mentioned.
“I’m just desperate to keep diving in. There’s no limit in terms of what I want to do. It’s just about enjoying the journey, which I have been. It’s quite surreal.”